Worried that your child is too "shy"???

A few years back, someone sent me a question about their five year old son. Here is what she said:

"My husband wants our five-year-old son to attend kindergarten so that he'll be around other boys his age and not be sheltered. Church is the only time he plays with kids his age. He tends to be too shy and also seems uncomfortable in a large group setting. Is public school or private school the answer?"

Of course I've had variations of this question over the years and I'm sure some of you have struggled with this same scenario - whether it's your husband, friends or relatives pushing you to put your child in school for this reason.

I thought some of you might enjoy reading the answer. This will give you some things to think about, but also, some things to say to others who don't understand how your child could possibly turn out ok if he is shy or "backwards" right now.

Sonya


First off, many children are uncomfortable in large settings – whether they attend public, private or homeschool. That's when it's particularly important for them to be allowed to grow accustomed to others in their own good time. Just as children learn to walk, use the potty, talk, read, etc. at various ages, they will do these things when they are ready. Now I don't mean "ready" in the sense of "choosing" that they will do it as that could simply lead to disobedience. I do mean "ready" in the sense of mentally, physically, emotionally being ready.

Have you ever climbed to the top of a REALLY REALLY high diving board and just decided to climb back down? I sure have. I just couldn't do it until I was ready and to be quite honest, given the choice today, I stay off those high diving boards!! But I love to watch the Olympics where they climb all the way to the top and dive in with perfect form.
In other words, it's something I can enjoy vicariously, but I have no desire to participate. Sometimes parents will push their children off the diving board - even repeatedly and while some children respond positively to this and lose their fear (as some children do when forced
into school at younger and younger ages), some will become forever more afraid of diving boards and possibly even water.

I would gently remind the skeptics of the Biblical example of child-rearing. Children were kept in the home with the parents until they started apprenticing to a trade, which usually didn't happen until preteen or early teen years. Also, frequently, the child simply learned the dad's trade (and of course girls learned to keep house from the mother and stayed home until marriage). Even when we read about Jesus in the temple when he was around twelve years old, it's apparent that he had been under his parents' care and tutelage until then. That's why they were so upset when they finally discovered he was missing. It was not meant for him to be anywhere except in THEIR care. It is our responsibility to shelter our children!

I think looking at the way society does things today and trying to do things patterned on the way of the world (put kids in school earlier and earlier in the name of "socialization") is part of
the reason we're in the horrible shape we're in - morally, academically, even with health issues like obesity. Children are pushed out the door before they have a good grounding in who they are (a child of God), who their family is (mom and dad's precious son or daughter), where they came from (a HOME where they are wanted and loved), what their heritage is, who created them (God), why they are special (every person is), etc. This just completely opens the way for someone else to come in and fill in those gaps with secularism - there is no God, evolution is a fact, your friends are your family, do what feels good, eat whatever you want, etc.

I would also suggest that you sit down and write out a list of the goals you have for your child. For example, do you want him to: succeed in life, be intelligent, be outgoing, have lots of friends, make lots of money, make good moral choices, find a good wife, have a child out
of wedlock (or in), accept Christ, enter a particular profession, be a good steward of his money, be a good friend, etc.

I'm not saying any of these are good or not - I'm just offering suggestions for the kinds of goals you might put on your list. Believe it or not, parents' desires will differ on these choices. Then, make two columns and check whether or not you think the MOST important things you want your child to accomplish or the person you want him to BE when he grows up will be best accomplished by putting him in an institutionalized school setting (public OR private) at age five or waiting until later (or even homeschooling through high school and avoiding public school altogether).

I can tell you that the most important things I want for my children include character traits. I want them to be kind, patient, well-spoken, etc. Even with my shy little 7-year-old, I know these traits are being fostered more at home than they would in school where he would just be
another bright little kid who doesn't talk much. (That's ok with me if he doesn't talk much. He says he's going to be a writer anyway and he will put his thoughts on paper like his mom. :)

And if you make the decision to homeschool your child, you also have the option to participate in co-ops, field trips, church, and activities where the child has an opportunity to fellowship with other children one or two days per week. Go to the park. Join some clubs. Participate in a play group. If there isn't one, make one. Take your child with you to the store, meetings, and other places you go. Some kids are just more quiet and uncomfortable in crowds. He'll probably grow out of it, but even if he always prefers one or two people at a time, those people typically have closer relationships with the few they fellowship with (friends and spouses, for example).

I encourage you to continue to shelter your little boy and encourage others to let him be the child God made him to be. Love him and help him grow.

Sonya Haskins



P.S. As a sidenote, I would recommend that you and your husband read the biography of Thomas Alva Edison. There are several of these by different authors, but this is one of the most inspirational biographies as far as a mother (and father) who just really encouraged their son to be the person he was naturally. They believed in him - even with his "defects" - and you know the end of the story already. :)