Top 10 Ways Your House Falls Apart

I've been thinking about this Top 10 humorous blog post for months now, dissatisfied with it, wanting to throw it in the trash. It was in my “Unfinished Blog Posts” folder, just rotting there. My problem was that after reading it, I wanted to cry rather than laugh:

1. Turning the handle to flush the toilet is like playing on a Vegas slot machine. You never know when an out-of-control cascade will come out of the thing. Looking around helplessly, you find it impossible to keep the pot from dispensing its contents all over the floor.

2. The paint on the outside of your house is chipping. It has needed a coat of paint for years now. It looks like an abandoned ghost town, except for the children running around.

3. You try to open a drawer, only to have the handle come off in your hand.

4. Your kid hangs like a monkey from your towel rack, and the bar falls on the floor with a clang. It's still on the floor months later, because you haven't gotten around to re-hanging it.

5. The faucet is constantly dripping. There's a trick to shutting it off, you know. As you're falling asleep, you incorporate the dripping into a rhythm so that it's not so irritating.

6. The sprinkler system leaks every spring, no matter how much you empty it before winter. Checking it for leaks is like one of those games at a carnival that sprays water unexpectedly at you when you think nothing is happening.

7. The instruction booklet on repairing appliances was written by someone who obviously doesn't speak fluent English. How do you make heads or tails out of the abrupt, unintelligible sentences?

8. The remote control for the garage has to be disconnected from the sunshade flap and aimed out the window to get the garage door to open. It's like the remote control is a gun, and your house won't let you in unless held at gunpoint.

9. The cream carpeting has so many stains that your guests naturally assume you have a polka-dotted carpet. Or they ask if you're still potty training.

10. The spin cycle on the washing machine goes “ka-clunk, ka-clunk, ka-clunk” and sounds like it's going to fall apart any minute. You never know when one of your appliances is going to explode. (Refer to the Exploded Cauliflower post to hear how one of my appliances exploded.)

So why did I post this Top 10 if it was so lousy?